


Just A Game

by LadyGlinda



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Basically Everybody Gets Dissed, Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Sibling Incest, holmescest, kiss marry kill, set in season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGlinda/pseuds/LadyGlinda
Summary: John gets Sherlock into playing "Kiss, Marry, Kill". He might be surprised by the outcome.
Relationships: Mycroft Holmes/Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson
Comments: 60
Kudos: 111





	Just A Game

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SlytherinsDragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinsDragon/gifts).



“Hey, Sherlock. Let’s play a game!”

“Of course, John. And the game is called _‘let’s see who can keep quiet for the longest time while I’m updating my blog.’_ ”

“Ah, don’t be a spoilsport. It’ll be short. And fun!”

“ _Fine_. So what's this nonsense game about?”

“Don’t glare at me like that.”

“Well, if you’re afraid of me, you can go upstairs into your room anytime and play with yourself.”

“Goddammit… Fine. The game is called _‘kiss, marry, kill’_. It’s totally easy.”

“And cheesy, judging by the appalling name…”

“Hehe, maybe. Anyway. I’ll give you three names and you assign them to those three categories. Understood?”

“It’s not brain surgery, John, and neither did I have any. I see no point in this childish nonsense but if you think so…”

“You are a real party pooper. Anyway… Let's start then. Sally Donovan. Philip Anderson. Mike Stamford.”

“Great choice. Is number four _‘hand me your gun so I can shoot myself instead?’_ ”

“Hahaha, no, there’s no backing out.”

“Fine. I’m not kissing women, let alone would I marry one, so Sally will die. Don't like her anyway... And of course I’ll marry Mike as he is not an idiot and he can cook and he doesn't seem to be exactly sex-crazy, does he. That leaves the kiss for Anderson, even though I’m quite sure it will end up with me killing him, too...”

“Great! Another one?”

“If I must…”

“Molly. Lestrade. Irene Adler.”

“You still remember what I just said about women?”

“But that’s the whole point! It shouldn’t be an easy choice. So?”

“Molly has no lips so I won’t kiss her. She will die. Irene… Well, I would be mad to marry her, so it will have to be the kiss. No reason to smirk, John. There was no real choice.”

“You really fooled me... Thought you fancied her. Didn't, obviously... And you would really rather marry Lestrade than Molly?”

“Well, he is not too ugly and at least he has a dick even though not a very impressive one…”

“How…?”

“There is no deduction needed, John. It is sufficient to glance at his crotch. I’m gay as I might have hinted at on our first day as flatmates so that’s what I do. It’s a reflex, just as you stare at our female clients’ breasts. Fine. I played your game, if I can just concentrate on my blog again now, that would be fine.”

“Oh, please, this is too interesting! One more!”

“You are annoying. But that has never kept you from annoying me a bit more… So?”

“Great! That’s an easy one. Me. Mrs Hudson. Mycroft.”

“That’s indeed easy. You die.”

“Very funny…”

“I wasn’t joking. Mrs Hudson is a great cook and her cakes are a sight to behold. So I’ll marry her. Besides, she is old so that marriage wouldn’t bother me for too long, and I doubt that she would demand sex from me. Even though you never know...”

“Wait, what?! Which means you would… kiss… Mycroft?!”

“Well, I can hardly marry him as I’m already as closely related to him as possible.”

“But… why didn’t you choose him to be killed? Instead of me?!”

“You know, John, you shouldn’t play such games if you cannot live with the outcome. He has nicer lips than you. And he’s taller than me, which I like in a man. He is also very hirsute which I also prefer over being smooth like a baby… Is everything alright, John? Why are you hyperventilating?”

“I… You do realise you just sounded as if you fancied your brother?!”

“I’m not blind. He might be wrecking my last nerve but he is very attractive. I mean, I should have chosen him for marriage. But I can’t as I explained to you already. Can you pass me the gingernuts?”

“I… I can’t believe that -…”

“You do realise that you are giving me the impression that you fancy me, as you clearly expected me to either kiss or marry you. Which was it?”

“I… No. No! I’m not gay!”

“Yes. You like to remind everybody every two seconds. Still suspicious, don’t you think? Do you want to play, too?”

“No.”

“Oh, really, don’t you think that’s a tad unfair?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“It seems to me that you’re just a bad loser.”

“Fine. Come on. Give me.”

“I’ll make it easy for you. Molly. Sally. Mrs Hudson.”

“Great… I’ll kill Sally. Kiss Molly.”

“And marry Mrs Hudson. I’m sure she would be very pleased to hear that we would both do that.”

“Yeah, I bet…”

“One more?”

“Well, I’ve brought it over myself. Go on.”

“Lestrade. Me. Jim Moriarty.”

“Oh, great. No women?”

“Just three random names, John.”

“Yeah, sure… No. I’m not playing this game!”

“Because you are well aware that you would have to either kiss or marry respectively me or Lestrade as you would hardly choose a man who put you into a bomb-vest for either of it. You can only opt for killing Moriarty. And marrying someone means having sex with them, doesn’t it, as long as they are not half-dead like Mrs Hudson?”

“That was rude! If she hears that, she’ll never bring you tea again.”

“Nice try to change the subject…”

“Fine, it was a stupid game! And I get it. Of course you don’t want to get into your brother’s pants; you were just showing me how absurd this was.”

“Mm.”

“You were, weren’t you?”

“Is that of any consequence to you? I thought it was just a game. Theory.”

“Sure. Sure it was… You meant it, didn’t you?”

“Every word of it.”

“Fuck!”

“Now who is rude?”

“Shit, was that the door-knocker?!”

“It would seem as if it was straightened, yes. He can never not do that...Ah. He's coming in. Well, he's got the keys…”

“How can you be so bloody calm about this?!”

“What – you think I should be ripping my hair out just because my brother drops by? Good morning, Mycroft.”

“Sherlock, Doctor Watson. I came to -… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“We were just playing a game, brother. Want to play, too?”

“Dear Lord.”

“It won’t take long.”

“Fine. Just to humour you, little brother. So?”

“I will give you three names, and you tell me which one you would either kiss, marry, or kill.”

“Ah, that. I saw that online. Okay. So?”

“It’s remarkable how you are spending your oh-so-busy days, brother… Me. The Queen. This old woman in your office, Smallwood.”

“Oh dear. Fine. Of course I would never not marry our Queen. Who wouldn’t want to live in Buckingham Palace? Elizabeth is wrecking my last nerve, so she has to die.”

“So you would kiss Sherlock, too?!”

“Too? Ah. I see… Not that smart, brother mine.”

“Just testing the waters. He was shocked but not in this _‘I’ll report you to the authorities-_ shocked' way. I hate to sneak out every other evening when he has finally finished wanking and is asleep.”

“What… What?!”

“That would be very unhealthy for him anyway, brother dear.”

“True, but I need him. He makes great tea and his blog has brought me so many clients. So, John? Are you keeping up?”

“Keeping -… So you want to tell me that you and your brother -… You are…”

“...doing lots more than kissing behind your back, yes. Problem?”

“Ugh.”

“He looks a bit shaken, Sherlock.”

“Ah, he’ll get used to it. Give me your lips so we can show him how this theoretical kissing looks in the field.”

_[Smooch]_

“See, John. We’re pretty handsome together, aren’t we?”

“Can I… join?”

“Ha, I knew it. Not gay... But perhaps Holmessexual? No, John. But if you are very, very nice, we might let you watch once.”

“Sherlock…”

“Don’t be a prude, Mycroft. It’s just a nice little game.”

The End


End file.
